let’s call out: GRIEF

Here’s what most people don’t know about me and what I don’t like admitting, I’ve been grieving for almost a year and a half. The reasons why don’t matter but the fact is, it’s happening. I can’t snap my fingers to get out of it or wish it away, no matter how badly I want to. And even though I’ve been talking about acceptance and letting go, which is the last stages of grief, it’s not over yet.

Last week I wrote about acceptance. Two days later I was sobbing on my couch trying to bargain with myself and figure out where I went wrong.

Everyone knows about grief. It’s shown in movies and books and tv shows. You can google the steps, go to therapy, hear all the cliche lines about it not being a straightforward process. But until you experience it, grief won’t make sense. At least it didn’t to me.

One of the major things I’ve discovered through all this is that emotions are good - even the ones we don’t like. God made us to have emotions, He gave us anger and sadness and bitterness and hurt and happiness and joy. He did that not to hurt us or to put us in torment on earth. He did it so we can feel the depth of our souls and in that connect to Him.

I have never been more angry than what I have been over this past year and if you know me, you know I’m not an angry person. Through that anger I’ve learned that God wants me to yell at him. He wants me to direct my anger at Him - to lay my pain down at His feet and say, “I can’t do this anymore.”

The god of christian church that I grew up knowing was a god who would see that pain and wipe it away. He would see that anger and sadness and hurt and would say, “it’s mine you don’t have to deal with it anymore.” It would be gone and I would be happy as if nothing had ever happened. I was mad that God wasn’t doing that for me.

But the God that I have come to know through all of this says, “thank you for sharing this pain with me. You don’t have to carry this weight anymore, I’ve got it.” But, He doesn’t magically take it away. He lets me feel it because in feeling it there are lessons about love, friendship, trust, and my weaknesses that He’s teaching me and strengthening me in.

God has given us these painful emotions - emotions we often want to shove away or numb to not feel using various tactics (trust me I’ve done both) - so that we can learn how to grow. In emotion there is truth and there is life.

Now, please hear me as I say this, emotion isn’t all we should dictate life by. I’m one who loves facts and knowledge. I often put them over everything else but it’s in emotion where people’s hearts exist. You can have all the facts you want but, what is your heart saying?

Is it grieving? Let it cry. Let it shout. Is it happy? Let it dance. Let it laugh. Is it lonely? Let it seek friends. Let it reach out for others.

We were built to acknowledge all parts of ourselves - the head, the heart, and the soul - if one of those things is lacking, wrong decisions will be made. But that’s ok if you take accountability and learn from them, it’s part of growing.

So, sticking with cliches - the only way through it is to feel it. All of this is a process, it’s messy and often doesn’t make sense. It’s ok if one day you get knocked back by a wave - you did not erase your progress. This is grief and you are brave, courageous, and strong for doing the work of healing. The journey is long and hard but it will be the best work of your life.

let’s call out: HEALING

It’s all over social media - take time for self-care and bubble baths. Balance your life through margaritas and the keto diet. Make sure you grab the bath bomb with a ring inside and definitely make sure those nachos have extra cheese.

But let’s get serious for a sec. Healing is hard. It fucking sucks some days.

We often look to nature when we talk about growth and healing. I mean why not? Everyone has seen a plant right? Or butterflies?

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly it has to first break down its entire body so that it can be built right back up. A seed gets buried in the dirt and breaks out of its shell to then push through the dirt into the sun. All of this is part of growth. It’s also part of healing.

There will be days when that gooey mess that used to be a caterpillar can’t continue on its path to grow. It’s too tired. So, it’ll just sit in its goo and rest. Now, I don’t actually know if that’s what caterpillars do, don’t quote me. But it’s what we do as humans.

When there’s growth of any sort, it requires healing. It requires looking at what is broken or hurt and saying this is what hurt me or this is how I hurt others. Taking responsibility for your own actions - which even that’s painful - then making conscious choices to change. To grow.

Each day becomes a battle to heal those hurts. To grow and do better than you did the day before. To seek therapy or spiritual direction or read book that challenges your thought processes or to talk to friends who hold you accountable and will take no shit from you.

Healing and growth requires change. And sometimes, that change does mean getting up early to do yoga and drink smoothies. And sometimes it means having a lazy day, eating only nachos.

It’s about listening to your gooey body. Does it need to stretch? Run? Consume two pounds of cheese?

Healing takes time and that’s ok. Learn to not be so hard on yourself - I’m learning this too. After all, we’re just gooey caterpillars under weighted blankets actively waiting to emerge as butterflies.

And my aren’t you beautiful.