you don’t have to choose

I’ve written many posts about the first step in figuring out who you are and how finding your worth is just accepting that you have it. Well, sometimes it’s not as easy as that.

Sometimes, you can’t believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says. You don’t think you’re pretty or smart or talented or worth shit no matter how many affirmations you say or how many people tell you that you are those things.

The voices in our heads are killer. They often set us up for failure before we even get a chance to take a step of our own. They’re the voices of our critics, our parents, our teachers, our mentors, our friends, the people in our lives that we valued and who told us we weren’t good enough whether they said it aloud or not. Sometimes they were putting us down and saying such hurtful things without even realizing it, perpetuating the cycle of hurt that was spoken over them by those in their lives that they’ve now internalized as their own voice.

Sometimes, we can’t accept our own worth and don’t have the tools to do so. We get spun into depression and anxiety, self-harming coping mechanisms and addictions to quiet the voices and the overwhelming pressures. We just find ways to survive, no matter what those might be. And that’s okay because that’s how we were made. We were made to survive. Our brains were made to protect us. Even the harmful addictions originally started out as a way to protect us from something much worse.

What I’m trying to say is that in all of this, you don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to think that you can force your way through on affirmations alone. You don’t have to make it on God alone. There is also science and medicine. There is a reason that we have therapists and doctors who can give us the extra push to get through the difficult times. Xanax and God can go hand in hand. A therapist and God can go hand in hand. You don’t have to choose one or the other.

I’ve been depressed longer than I know, longer than I had a word for what I was feeling. I think part of my reason to want others to feel worthy is because I don’t feel it in myself but I know there’s value in it. I’ve seen what happens when others do know their true worth and aren’t clinging to anxiety, depression, fear, or any kind of coping mechanisms. I’ve had a taste of it. It can be beautiful. And to get there doesn’t mean you have to force it on sheer will alone because sometimes you need all your strength just to get out of bed.