On Finding Your Voice

As a writer they press upon you to find your voice. They say that in order to write well you need to know what to say and how to say it. They aren’t entirely wrong, but the thing they often leave out is that in order to find your voice you must know who you are. As a creator you often are figuring that out as you go, so it’s usually not that big of a problem.

What happens when it is? Let’s break this down a bit.

A creator’s voice is easy to spot. You know a Lin-Manuel Miranda song by the first stanza. You know a Quentin Tarantino movie by the blood splatter. You know a Georgia O’Keeffe painting by the vaginal flowers. You even know a Stephen King novel by the book cover.

These are artists that, whether you like them or not, you can’t deny they have something to say and have said it in a specific way. This comes through in every career, not just creative. Good doctors, mechanics, therapists, hair dressers, even plumbers have a voice that shines through. You can often tell who they are based on recommendations you get from others.

So, we’ve established you can recognize when someone is using their voice, but how do you find your own?

In all honesty, it is ok if your voice sounds similar to others. We are all different and we will see the world differently from one another. But you don’t have to try to be different on purpose. You don’t have to think that your voice is going to sound exactly the same or completely opposite of the person next to you. You just need to find your voice and figure out what you need to say and how to say it.

Sometimes the best way to say something is through planting a garden or sitting with your grandparents. Maybe it’s just showing up everyday for work and doing a job without complaint. Maybe you will be the next Taylor Swift or Picasso. Who knows?

But the thing is this, to know your voice you have to know who you are. It may not be 100% - don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. Take it from someone who’s never really had a voice. If you can figure out who you are even by 5% you’ll be on your way.

This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I grew up with very little of a voice. I knew how to follow, to do as I was told the first time and not to ask questions. Capitalism and culture silences people. We, the church also have an issue with silencing those around us. We’ve done it for centuries. Don’t ask questions, don’t go too deep, don’t challenge authority, just accept what you’re told and do the work happily.

And if you don’t? You’ll be shamed, bullied, oppressed, ostracized. This is the exact opposite of what finding your voice should do. Finding your voice means digging into love. Sure, to figure out who you are also mean that you need to know how you’ve been silenced. Was it by a specific person, a religion, the culture, or did you do it to yourself?

Once you’ve figured that out, how do you break out of that silence? Everyone deserves to have and use their voice. Do you need to get into therapy or make new friends? Do you need to change career paths or go back to school? Maybe you should read a few books to learn more about who you are.

Self exploration and actualization is attainable and something we should work towards. We can’t be better versions of ourselves without knowing who we are. This often means missteps and taking wrong turns, but that’s ok. It’s ok to fuck up. Finding yourself is difficult and those fuck ups will help you grow.

So, what happens when no one wants to hear you?

For the past two years I have asked myself that question and it’s done nothing but lead me further into depression because guess what, as I have started to find my voice I have found that no one actually wants to hear me.

I have been turned away from every job that I’ve wanted. I’ve been pushed away by the men I’ve cared so deeply about. I’ve had friends that I’ve known for almost a decade just up and leave. I’m aware these things aren’t all my fault. I’m not the center of my world or any world for that matter. Life is an accumulation of events, circumstances, and decisions that lead us down paths that intertwine and fall away.

It’s been said that it doesn’t matter what others think of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get the job, the boy, the friends, any of that. I would agree. You shouldn’t have your life defined by what others think. It’s your life, not theirs. Live for yourself.

But it doesn’t matter, doesn’t it? Everyone wants to have friends and a rich community, a career that you’re passionate about, a relationship with someone that loves you and that you love back. I suppose the trick is to not getting lost in wanting only those things. In having those things solely define who you are.

When they do, you lose your voice. You lose who you really are. It’s how you can become a workaholic or self-absorbed or depressed or at its extreme, part of a cult.

Getting yourself back, is a long and hard road. They say it’s the best thing you could ever do, but I’ve been on this path for a few years now and it sucks. It’s lonely and difficult. I’ll let you know when it’s all worth it.

I do know that I’m able to distinguish why I believe what I believe and why I like doing things now. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that five years ago. So, I guess that’s an improvement.

I guess this is all to say, finding your voice is something you should strive for. You will know more about yourself and what you believe by doing so. You’ll be able to call out things that are toxic and draw in things that are healthy.

Going down this path is fucking hard. Though when you want better for your life, hard things are what you strive for.