Drop In For A New Book
On this journey of figuring out purity, sex, and sexuality I’ve been led to a few good books and I wanted to share them with you. They are ones that have helped me think a little bit differently, understand my body and spirit better, and begun to help me formulate my opinions on these subjects.
Now, I’m not saying these two books are the end all - it’s only two books after all. I’m saying, they are good starting points if you’re looking at expanding your knowledge and understanding of purity, sex, and sexuality.
Both are written from a Christian viewpoint, although they do have differing opinions from each other. I wouldn’t say they contradict one another, but they bring up points to help you think.
First off, The Naked Truth About Sexuality by Havilah Cunnington.
This book is great for anyone, you don’t have to be interested in sex or actively seeking it to read this. It’s a book that takes a look at purity, sex, and sexuality in a Biblical context starting with Genesis.
If you’re like me, that reading is only ever talked about in the context of how women are made for the pleasure of men. That’s not what happens here. Havilah Cunnington breaks down how we were made for sex and sexual pleasure on a biological level.
She goes to explain what chemicals are involved when we have sex, why we get attached to people, and why it’s so hard when we break up or why hookups become so easy - and by the way, her definition of sex is a little mind-blowing. She talks about how sex could be defined as holding hands or giving a hug because the same chemicals that are released during intercourse are the exact same as when you hug someone.
I’m sorry what?? But also, that makes sense as to why I got attached to guys when all they wanted to do was cuddle.
She goes further than the biological stuff - which if you’re wondering, no she doesn’t go into the actual physicality of sex, that’s a different book - and talks about how we also get attached to people in spirit. It’s called soul ties and they also make it hard to let go of someone after having sex because sex strengthens the soul tie.
The best part of this book, is that even though she advocates for sex in marriage and not premarital sex, she doesn’t condemn the person who does. She lets the reader know that there is always hope and that your worth isn’t tied to whether or not you had sex before or after marriage.
Since this book is by the Moral Revolution, she acknowledges the hurt the church has caused from the purity movement stating that we shouldn’t feel ashamed of our bodies and our sex. That there is a healthier way to live, which does include sex, we just have to look for it.
4 out of 5 stars - it taught me a lot about the body and myself that I had no idea about. And honestly, I had to read this book by taking it one chapter at a time. Sometimes a chapter wrecked me so much that I had to put the book down and come back to it in a few weeks later.
It’s good. You should read it.
Next up, On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies.
This one, guys this one.
I do think anyone can, and should, read this book, but I think it will hit harder for those who’ve been asking the questions like: can I have sex before marriage and not go to hell? Well, I have to stay with my abusive boyfriend because we are having sex and I won’t be wanted by anyone else, right? I have to marry him because I slept with him, right? I’m not welcomed at the church anymore because I’m not clean, a virgin, a “good girl”, whatever….
Brenda Marie Davies grew up during the purity culture movement. She got the purity ring, she swore she’d wait ‘til marriage, and was the good Christian girl. Well, all that changed when she came out to LA.
In this book Davies talks about her struggle with sex and the church, specifically the voice she calls The Antagonist which was created by the purity culture movement. She is someone who swore she’d wait but craved sex. When she finally had it, she lived in shame and fear of condemnation.
It’s a feeling a lot of men and women have in the church. She chronicles her life talking about how she got married to a guy just because she wanted to “make it right”. When that ended she landed in hookup culture which led to her rape and her getting involved with an abusive boyfriend who made her have an abortion.
This, you guys is a powerful book about a woman’s struggle to find her worth and value as seen through her sex. She couldn’t find it in the church but never abandoned God. She ended up doing a lot of the things she was against as a child because let’s face it, life is gray. We all make choices with the information in front of us.
Davies asks great questions about consent, LGBTQ+ issues, men’s body image, abortion, rape, self worth, healthy sex practices, and what we as the church have done to those around us. It’s challenging and inspiring.
This is a book that a friend recommended to me saying, “I have never felt more seen than while reading this book.” And let me tell you, I agree 100% with this statement.
5 out of 5 stars - I would recommend this to anyone. Absolutely anyone, male or female. I will give you a warning, Davies doesn’t hold anything back. She swears, she descriptive about her sexual exploits (not over the top, it has class), and the rape and abortion scenes don’t pull punches. She’s real and in this day and age in the church that’s exactly what we need.
I’m always reading so, I’ll post some more book recommendations as I go through them. Let me know your thoughts!
let’s call out: SEX & SEXUALITY
Let’s talk about sex baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good times and the bad times….Let’s talk about sex. That is the resounding song in my head in regards to this topic.
This topic is broad and I won’t do it justice with this one post. To say I want to talk about sex and sexuality should lead to the question in how? In what way, through what lens? The reason I’m putting them together is because I want to look at them in the way sex and sexuality effects our every day lives.
It’s screamed throughout media and culture in general that we have to strive to have sex. Have the most partners, have the best sex of our lives. In order to do that we have to look a certain way, have a certain job, have a certain car or house or whatever. Sex sells.
Sex is the thing we should be striving for - at least that’s what we’re told by the world. But when we look at everyday life, relationships between friends, spouses, lovers - sex can be confusing and difficult and a major spot of contention.
Religion often steps in and says you have to wait to have sex and if you don’t you’re shamed for that. Those that wait can and sometimes do have difficulties with their bodies, with their spouses bodies, and just self-confidence in general.
Because culture screams that we should be having sex all the time, shame steps in again when we choose to abstain. We are ridiculed for having too little or too much or not in the way that is deemed “appropriate” in normal society.
Walking hand in hand with this is our sexuality - I’m not just talking about whether you identify as heterosexual or a part of the LGBTQ+ community even though that is absolutely part of this conversation - I’m also talking about how our sexuality is viewed by us and the rest of the world.
I, myself, identify as a heterosexual but I have heard from friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community the shame that comes from coming out. Our society has norms that we stick to for one reason or another and when someone goes against it, that person is quickly shamed. No matter your beliefs, your religion, or your stance no one should be shamed.
Shame says you aren’t worthy for being who you are. You aren’t worthy for even existing.
That’s not true.
Everyone has worth. Everyone has value. I am not here to tell people my beliefs and my stances on certain issues - most of which are incredibly complex and I’m still sorting them out. What I am here to say is that everyone has worth. Everyone is loved just for being them.
For being alive.
Sex and sexuality are ingrained in who we are as humans. We were born with a sexual drive and to be sexual beings. That is not something that can be changed, smothered, or pushed to the side.
Understanding this side to yourself, to myself, helps to complete the picture of who we are as humans and to live a more holistic and healthier life.
I’m certainly on a mission to understanding every part of myself.
If you feel shamed for who you are, I’m sorry. You were made to be sexual. You were made to be whole. I hope and pray you find a little bit of love in your life. Find a community or even find some here.
This topic is huge and I’m only just opening the door to it. I don’t know how long I’ll be sitting with sex and sexuality but if you want to join me on this ride, I’d be glad to have you.