Are You a Toxic Christian?

The word toxic is thrown around almost too casually today. It’s used in places to mean bad or not great or as a warning to stay away. Stay away from a particular person, place, or thing. That’s not entirely wrong but let’s not belittle this word by using it casually.

Casually using words and phrases when they need and should hold more weight is a discussion for another time.

The Webster’s definition of toxic is poisonous or being very harmful or unpleasant way in a that’s pervasive or insidious. This is more than just bad. It’s really bad. For the longest time it was always depicted as toxic chemicals or a toxic waste dump.

What does this mean? When we use the word toxic in relation to a person or relationship we mean that it is eating us away. It is killing us. Eating away at our mental, emotional, and spiritual health until there’s nothing left. Or until we’ve become something entirely different that we ourselves don’t recognize. Just think of all the comic book stories that start at toxic waste facilities.

So what is toxic Christianity? Let’s look at something similar, toxic positivity.

These two often go hand in hand with each other. When we engage in toxic positivity, we brush past what’s really going on. We smile through the pain and say everything is fine. We stay friends with people who’ve hurt us instead of talking to them and working past issues.

On the outside, toxic positivity seems like a good thing. It seems like the person is happy and that life is good. But, you quickly realize that person can’t reach the deeper emotions of pain, hurt, and anger because those are big and all-consuming and downright scary. So, it feels right to stay up where everything is happy. It feels like the only way you can cope with life is to smile past the pain.

But, toxic positivity brushes over what we’re actually feeling. It ignores our emotions. We dishonor and disrespect ourselves when ignore our emotions. When we smile and say, “everything’s fine, how are you?“ Or when we complain to someone about a friend and the moment that person walks through the door we give them a hug and act like nothing’s wrong.

Now, let’s be real for a second. Christians aren’t special. Yes, the Bible says that we are a chosen priesthood, called out by God. But that does not mean Christians are better than another person. No human is innately better than another.

We all struggle with the same shit. We all live in the same world with the same problems. Sure, where you live and what government you live under will vary what kind of problems you have but we, as humans, are the same at our core. We all have the same emotions and desire the same things - community, love, a purpose, connection, to be understood.

So, what is toxic Christianity?

It’s often preached from pulpit. Think about when there’s a death. Christians brush over grief by saying, “It’s ok, we’ll see them again.” Or when life gets hard financially or if you lose your job, Christians will say, “Yeah, but you should be grateful for what you do have.” Count your blessings. Think about the good things that you have. Keep your mind on the positive. Or even, yeah you sinned, don’t let temptation happen again and you’ll be fine. Keep yourself from all temptation and the devil will flee.

That’s not how life works though. That’s not how emotions work. That’s not how people work.

Christians can’t just put on a happy face and act like everything is ok. They can’t brush past the hurt in their life or in others. We were called to support each other, to live in community. And to do that means being real. It means being authentic.

Now, to be authentic means you gotta be honest with yourself. You have to have a level of self worth to step back and assess where you’re at. You can’t run and hide from yourself because at the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live with every part of you. After a while you have to stop numbing, stop lying, stop trying to show everybody the best face because that face is really your worst.

No one wants to see someone happy all the time. They respect those that can be real. That can take a step back and say, “hey I’m not doing well. I struggle with all this stuff and I can’t do it anymore.” That’s the face people want to see. They want the honest Christian who will own up to the fact that they said something racist, sexist, bigoted and are genuinely sorry.

Part of apologies is making a change in your actions. Which the study behind an apology and how to actually do it is for another time. Right now, let’s just focus on not being a shitty Christian.

Jesus often called out Pharisees for not doing what the scriptures said. They held to laws but made no changes in their heart. Most Christians today are Pharisees. They listen to the laws of the Bible. They don’t steal, murder, or cheat but they certainly hold all the emotional aspects of those things in their hearts.

Jesus would hate the Christians of today because they’re two faced and unable to change their ways due to pride.

The best way to change this? Take a step back. All of this starts in the heart. It starts with knowing who you are in God’s eyes. That He doesn’t hate you. That He doesn’t see you as a terrible person. But that God loves you for you. Once you know your actual worth and start to reconnect with your body, mind, emotions, and soul - you will become the person God designed.

And you’ll be a better Christian, and simply, a better human.

When it’s Not Ok to Wear a Mask

Masks. There are some famous ones out there: the Phantom, the Iron Mask, Jim Carrey’s The Mask. Perhaps the most famous that not enough people talk about is the one perpetuated by the church.

Now hang with me here.

As a church body we are supposed to welcome all the hurt and lost however the most hurt and lost ones tend to be those already in the building. But, we don’t address that issue. We don’t like to acknowledge it.

After all, we’re the chosen people. God’s people. We can’t be screw ups like the rest of the world. We have to be perfect like Jesus was perfect. That’s what he called us to be so we have to be it.

Gag me with a spoon.

Week after week people walk into the church hiding what’s actually going on in their lives just so they can smile, sing a few songs, feel something, then leave. I’ve done it. I’ve known many people that have also done it.

Your life could be falling apart but you take a deep breath, wipe tears from your eyes, and walk into the building anyway. It’s like the only acceptable tears to cry in the building are those brought on by the Spirit of God.

Here’s the thing, when we do this we ignore our feelings as well as the validity of the church. The church is supposed to be the one place where we can go when we’re broken and hurting. It’s supposed to be the place we can go where we don’t have to wear a mask.

If we take a look at the Bible and the teachings of Jesus we find that he cares about how we’re doing, how we’re feeling, our emotions, and our heart. But at church we aren’t allowed, or given the space, for those things.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the case in all churches. There are many that hold space and have communities that lift each other up. But not always. Putting on masks to pretend we’re fine so we can help those “less fortunate” than ourselves is a trend I have witnessed in my own church, in the generations above me, as well as with my friends.

So, really, why do we keep doing this? Why do we keep rejecting ourselves all in the name of Christianity?

I think there’s a few reasons, and you can disagree with me if you’d like.

One, Christianity has a core belief of helping those who are below us. That kind of mentality immediately creates this I’m better than you dynamic.

Which we could break down even further and go all political, but let’s not do that right now.

Two, the other side of this belief is being a servant to everyone, especially those in positions of power above you. This mentality can produce the idea that you are lesser and everyone is better than you are.

Three, on a whole, we aren’t good with emotions. Millennials and Gen Zers are paving the way to start talking about them and creating space but, this is new. Vulnerability in social circles is rare. It’s really only kept to family, if your family does that sort of thing, and therapy.

Now these beliefs are good. They’re taught by Jesus and shown through his example that we can live a healthy life doing both - which is really only one belief. The catch is that we’re never supposed to neglect ourselves. That’s not an idea that is taught in the Bible.

We are supposed to care about ourselves. We’re supposed to love our bodies, our minds, our hearts. Yet we reject those things in self-flagellation and self-hate because we think we don’t matter. The church tells us other people matter more so we try to reflect that.

There are other reasons to hide who we are in a community that’s supposed to love us unconditionally. Things like we were taught love comes with conditions so how can we ever imagine a God that doesn’t have them. Things like society tells us we don’t matter because of our looks, our gender, our beliefs and if the church also spews similar speech then how can we ever trust them. Or even something simple like there’s too much shit happening and you just want some sense of normalcy in a place you can trust that’s not going to be different and is going to feel safe.

Whatever the reason the fact remains the same. We put on masks in order to hide our true selves in a place and around people that should and would accept us for who we are no matter what. To let that mask come off and reveal who we really are takes a lot of strength.

Sometimes not even we know what’s underneath and that can be terrifying. That thought alone can make us not want to remove our masks.

It’s not ok that the church perpetuates this idea that to be Christian means we have to be smiling and happy all the time. That we have to greet everyone with a handshake and a hug.

It is ok to be depressed, to be lonely, to be hurt, to be broken and think the world is going to shit whether you sit in a pew or on a curb.