Who We Let In

I’ve been thinking a lot about who we let into our lives, why, and why they leave. Or in other words, friendships.

Living in Southern California has brought a new range of friends that I didn’t really experience, at least not to this extent, on the East Coast. They’re fake friends or friends who are only wanting to keep you in their life for the connections or the potential that something good may happen in the future.

They look a lot like real friends. They seem to enjoy being around you when you both are in the same room, they’re excited for you when you get promoted or succeed, they want to have meaningful conversations with you. But, if you stop and notice they never invite you anywhere. You both just happen to get invited somewhere together or you’re the one constantly reaching out and asking them to do things, even for a cup of coffee. And any of their conversations has to do with work related things. Neither one of you are really talking about your lives, just deeper things surrounding your careers.

Now, I understand I’ve fallen into this too. Southern California is filled with 20-30 somethings all trying to make a career out of their passions. They are all fighting against one another, scraping against the corporate machine to get ahead. It would be foolish to burn a bridge just because you don’t like someone, especially when that person is talented and comes with their own connections. But, friendship and business acquaintance often become overlapped and mixed. It’s common to hear people say, “Oh, I know them.” Or, “Yeah, he’s my friend,” when they’re just talking about someone they met maybe once. It’s even a joke in the film industry that everybody is friends with each other. When in reality, you barely know them.

So, why do we let people into our lives that we know don’t really care about us? Why do we tolerate it? Well, in this instance it’s because there is a hope that that person will help us succeed in career, and ultimately life. But what about in other circumstances?

Growing up, I took what I could get in the way of friends and love. As an adult, that really hasn’t changed. I beg for the scraps of care that people throw my way. Why? because it’s all I know. It’s all I expect from others and of myself. Yes, my own self worth is low but I’ve been trying to build it up. That in itself, is a whole different topic that I don’t quite know how to speak about yet.

But, I know that I accepted what I thought was owed to me, which wasn’t a whole lot. It was people who wanted to use me, people who I could become codependent on, people who had time for me, when they found space in their schedules. Through this, I’d have to learn that people leave, people never actually care about me even when they say they did, people don’t want to stick it out through the difficult times to mend what’s broken and work through the hard things.

Now, I don’t blame or hate anyone who came and left my life. I understand that life is complicated. We all have our own histories, our own hurts, our own traumas, our own codependencies, our own mental and emotional states, our own societal or religious shames and pressures to contend with. There is so much that makes up a person and all those factors press onto friendships. And at this point in my life, I’m too tired to hold anything against anyone.

So really, what does it mean to be a good friend? What does it mean to care about someone’s life, their mental and emotional state, their beliefs, their hurts, their career paths, and hold everything at a distance that’s far enough away that you don’t come across as fake. And not so close that you’re codependent.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention the complexity that comes when a friendship is damaged. Over the last two years, I’ve had so many of my close friends leave my life because of damage between the two of us. No, I’m not without guilt in any of these scenarios. That’s what happens when two people are in relationship with one another - they both have to take responsibility for their own actions within that relationship. If they don’t, that friendship won’t survive. No relationship can survive if both members are unwilling to acknowledge and take accountability for their actions.

Damaged relationships make it difficult to continue. And the extent of the damage often dictates if the friendship is over for good or just for a moment. Often, if the two can’t come together and talk openly and vulnerably with one another then nothing will change. More damage is usually done.

But, admitting you were wrong and saying it is often the hardest thing to do. Even when you are someone who is good at speaking plainly and candidly about things. Apologizing and admitting you messed up can feel like you’re ripping your heart out all over again. Except this is a pain that’s healing. To put your pride aside and say you were wrong mends bonds. Not only that, the biggest factor in all of this is what you do afterwards. Do you change your actions or do you continue doing the same things and hurting people again and again? We should learn from our actions and at the very least make an effort to change. People can tell when you’re trying, so try. Try to change harmful habits and see what happens.

Again, I’m no saint. I fuck up all the time. As I’ve said before, I’ve had many friendships damaged over these last two years. I’m no where great or even good at any of this, but I’m trying. I hope people can see that I am trying to do better. It’s not easy. It’s a task that takes a lot of strength and a lot of tearful nights.

So, what makes a good friend? Well, I’ve experienced it a few times in my life and I feel like I’m always trying to get back there. It’s living in community, really, genuinely caring about each other, living independently yet knowing they are always there when you need them. Someone who wants to spend time with you and wants to do things with you, even if that is going for a walk or watching a movie. Someone who you can laugh and cry with.

That’s my list. What’s yours?