I need a way out

It’s been really hard to write. For a while I was trying to figure out how I could come here and say something encouraging or thoughtful. And there’s none of that in me.

Over the past month I’ve been in a really dark place. Sure, I’m better than I was six months ago but the light at the end of the tunnel. The way out - it seems so far away still.

I’m still drowning with nothing to grab onto. With the option of either letting the waves take me or fight against them. To be honest, I want them to take me. I want everything to stop because maybe then I can start over. Really, truly with a whole new freshness.

But I don’t have it within me to stop kicking. To stop fighting against the current. Even if I just gave in the waves would still be there. The problems and the issues of my day are still there. The people and things that I wrestle with in my mind, are still there.

And breathe.

I forget to do that quite often. I forget to stop and be quiet. To quiet my mind and take a step back.

Breathing is really hard sometimes. Being quiet is really hard sometimes. All I want to do is run, to sleep, to eat, to spend money on the next thing that will make me forget about him, her, it, that thing. Because then I won’t feel as bad about myself.

But I still feel bad. I still feel like shit running in circles with no way to break the cycle.

Anxiety makes my hands shake. Crying makes my nose run. And this heat keeps me dehydrated. All I want to do is go back. Forget that what happened happened. Go back to when debt didn’t exist and my heart was whole.

I need a way out. Please, God give me a way out.