let’s call out: CONTROL

I’m gonna say it. Everyone has a control issue.

It may be under the guise of people pleasing, finances, communication differences, relationships with friends/family/partners, spiritual differences and hierarchies in and out of the church, or leadership roles you may find yourself in.

Control is everywhere and it’s not always a bad thing. It’s good to have control of our lives. To know where our money is going by creating a budget. To be aware of our bodies with what we eat and how much, how we exercise and what activities we partake in whether it be alcohol, parties, caffeine, sex, binge watching Netflix - and in that knowing how much and how often we do it.

Control can be good. We are instructed by doctors, parents, even God himself to take control of our bodies, minds, tongues, and lives.

But everyone knows, or can name someone, who abuses control. Someone who manipulates to control how others see them. Who drinks too much to control the pain they feel on a daily basis. Who dates the wrong men, doing anything the man wants to control their need for self worth. Who’s a workaholic to control their image of self worth and their finances.

But this isn’t actually control. It’s a loss of it.

It’s forgetting who you are as you dive into work, food, exercise, numbing substances, other people attempting to regain control of how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, and how others perceive you.

Here’s the thing, if you didn’t already know it, your worth is not tied to who you know or what you can do for yourself or others. That’s not how that works.

You are worthy because you exist. Because there is a God who created you and who loves you no matter what you’ve done or what you could do.

And I get it. I really do.

I love control.

I love thinking I have my whole life ticking like clock. Each nut and bolt placed perfectly as I want them, but they’re not. My life is like legos scattered on the floor with the directions in a language can’t read - at best. That doesn’t mean I’m not valuable or worthy. That doesn’t mean my life won’t work out the way it should.

Even that’s a discussion on its own - there are many times when we think something should happen a certain way and when it doesn’t, we get mad. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It just didn’t happen exactly how we thought it would. And that’s ok.

In this crazy life I have tried doing things on my own, based on my own strength. Applying for jobs - trying to make the right connections - forcing that job to happen. I’ve walked into relationships - romantic and friendship - clinging to them, hoping they would never leave me and losing my identity in those relationships. I have let the church indoctrinate me, tell me what to believe without actually questioning or taking a step back.

I lose myself when I force control. But in letting go, in doing the work but not forcing it. In feeling not numbing. In trusting that God has my back - which is still so difficult - life becomes easier.

Control steps back to where it should be and I’m able to see what I can control and what I can’t. And that, eases stress and gives peace.

There will still be hard days but things get better when you realign your life and know where your worth comes from.