To The Third and Fourth Generation
The sins of the father. It’s a saying heard in the church and preached from the pulpit from time to time but do we really know what it means? Well, yes. I believe everyone knows exactly what this is and how it has affected them to their cores.
Now, let me first clarify that I am not blaming fathers or parents in any way. This is not an attack on them for how they raised us or what they did. The “sins of the father” is much bigger than that and has affected our parents just as it affected theirs.
So, where does this start? Let’s start at its source, the Bible.
Numbers 14:18 - “The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and fourth generation.”
Jeremiah 32:18 - “You show steadfast love to the thousands, but you repay the guilt of the fathers to their children after them, O great and mighty God, whose name is the Lord of hosts.”
And perhaps maybe most telling, John 9:1 - “As he passed by he saw a man born blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
The idea of the sins of the father came originally from the Old Testament. It’s the belief that the sins that you do get passed down through the generations, to the third and fourth.
That’s not entirely true as Jesus points out in the last passage. We are all accountable for our own sins however, there are cycles that can and will be repeated if actions don’t change.
Let’s take this out of church speak to elaborate further.
The cycle of poverty. Those in positions of privilege might not think poverty is a cycle, but it is. Think of the old adage, you can’t get a car without money but you can’t get money without a car. It’s the same idea.
Many in situations of poverty can’t break free because they live paycheck to paycheck. Everything they make goes to pay for the house, the car, the utilities, the wifi, clothes for the kids, school supplies, food. It gets to a point that people can’t do what makes them happy or what will be good for them, like take a vacation or only work a 40hr/5 day a week schedule because they have to pay for bills.
And this is under the assumption that they can even get a job. Sometimes poverty is so intense that people can’t afford to turn on the water to shower or buy a bus pass (if there’s reliable public transportation) or buy interview clothes or keep their cell phone turned on. If they can’t do those basic things - think to high school and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - then no interviewer is going to want to see them.
If they can’t get a job or if they live on minimum wage and barely make ends meet, then what is their child going to do? The child will do a couple of things. They could get a job to help pay bills starting as young as 12. They could push their family away and join gangs who will take better care of them. They could dive into school putting all their hopes on getting a scholarship to get into college so they could have a better job and a better life than their parents.
Do you see where I’m going here?
The fact that these parents couldn’t get a high paying job isn’t a sin. It usually isn’t their fault at all - and I’m speaking from experience here. It’s usually a failing of society. Society in itself is not perfect. It fails its populace time and again because it’s made up of faulty humans.
These types of cycles are seen everywhere in every type of aspect of our lives. Part of getting healthier is noticing these cycles and trying to figure out how to break them.
Do we have a cycle residing in the spiritual? This can look like spiritual warfare or a failing relationship with God (or whatever god you believe in).
Do we have a cycle residing in the emotional? This can look like us pushing away all our friends and loved ones or depression or anxiety or using negative coping mechanisms in order to numb.
Do we have a cycle residing in the physical? Are we taking care of our bodies by getting enough sleep, enough water or do we listen to our doctors. Do we go to the doctor at all? Do we even listen to what our bodies are telling us?
Do we have a cycle residing in the economic? How do we take care of our finances? What does our job look like and if we’re unhappy, why is that and how can we change that.
These and many more are all attributes to how we live and how we perceive the world. And as you pull it a part you can start to see how your actions and emotions do affect those around you.
In trying to become healthier human beings we start to break the cycle of the sin of the father, thus protecting our children further down the line.
Perhaps creating new habits that will last to the third and fourth generation.
let’s call out: PURITY
There was a game my friends and I played once, you can actually find it online, it’s a purity test. Through it you tick off all the things you have done and at the end it tells you how pure you are out of 100. Some of my friends had high numbers like 98 and others were lower in the 40s. None of us really knew what to do with these scores except laugh about it. Those who had lower numbers seemed a little off - like they were unclean and not as “good” as the rest of the group. I managed to lower my score by 20 points over the next two months and was kinda proud about that - for a time.
Here’s the thing, purity isn’t based on a score. It’s not about what you didn’t do or the so-called terrible things you did do. Often we think of purity going hand in hand with statements like:
Say no to sex because you’ll get STI’s and die. Say no to drugs and alcohol because you will get addicted. Say no theft because it’s wrong. Say no to…..you fill in the blank.
When we start these thoughts with “no” statements we immediately put ourselves into a poverty mindset. We were never made to be in poverty. I’m not talking about financial poverty - I’m talking about emotional, mental, spiritual, physical poverty. God did not create us for poverty. He created us for life in abundance.
So, let’s flip the script.
Purity is about what you say “yes” to.
If you say yes to abstinence - that is saying yes to your values, your body, your partner, whatever reasons you have to be abstinent. If you say yes to sex before marriage - that is saying yes to your values, your body, your partner, and the other reasons you may have. Both viewpoints have varying different reasons as to why to engage in them and those reasons are your own.
Yes, I have opinions on this topic and I’m sure you’ll hear my take on it later on as I had to question why I was abstinent and then why I stopped. Some of those reasons start here - with a new purity mindset.
I am no longer under poverty where everything I do will cause me to end in the gutter but instead I question where my beliefs and morals came from and what is actually good for me. In that, how can I move forward in freedom and new life.
It’s about taking my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health into consideration before acting on impulse. To say, I value myself so, is this good for me right now or not? In asking those hard questions, and not holding back, I can start to see where I stand and why. It’s not easy and often I fall back into old ways but as I shift my mentality towards real purity, it gets easier.
I hope you too can start to take on this new mindset and really question your actions, not seeing them as detrimental - or if they are, find out why and how to reverse it - and start stepping into a life of freedom.
You were created to be pure and whole. You were not created to live in darkness, in the gutters of life, or in poverty.
let’s call out: CONTROL
I’m gonna say it. Everyone has a control issue.
It may be under the guise of people pleasing, finances, communication differences, relationships with friends/family/partners, spiritual differences and hierarchies in and out of the church, or leadership roles you may find yourself in.
Control is everywhere and it’s not always a bad thing. It’s good to have control of our lives. To know where our money is going by creating a budget. To be aware of our bodies with what we eat and how much, how we exercise and what activities we partake in whether it be alcohol, parties, caffeine, sex, binge watching Netflix - and in that knowing how much and how often we do it.
Control can be good. We are instructed by doctors, parents, even God himself to take control of our bodies, minds, tongues, and lives.
But everyone knows, or can name someone, who abuses control. Someone who manipulates to control how others see them. Who drinks too much to control the pain they feel on a daily basis. Who dates the wrong men, doing anything the man wants to control their need for self worth. Who’s a workaholic to control their image of self worth and their finances.
But this isn’t actually control. It’s a loss of it.
It’s forgetting who you are as you dive into work, food, exercise, numbing substances, other people attempting to regain control of how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, and how others perceive you.
Here’s the thing, if you didn’t already know it, your worth is not tied to who you know or what you can do for yourself or others. That’s not how that works.
You are worthy because you exist. Because there is a God who created you and who loves you no matter what you’ve done or what you could do.
And I get it. I really do.
I love control.
I love thinking I have my whole life ticking like clock. Each nut and bolt placed perfectly as I want them, but they’re not. My life is like legos scattered on the floor with the directions in a language can’t read - at best. That doesn’t mean I’m not valuable or worthy. That doesn’t mean my life won’t work out the way it should.
Even that’s a discussion on its own - there are many times when we think something should happen a certain way and when it doesn’t, we get mad. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It just didn’t happen exactly how we thought it would. And that’s ok.
In this crazy life I have tried doing things on my own, based on my own strength. Applying for jobs - trying to make the right connections - forcing that job to happen. I’ve walked into relationships - romantic and friendship - clinging to them, hoping they would never leave me and losing my identity in those relationships. I have let the church indoctrinate me, tell me what to believe without actually questioning or taking a step back.
I lose myself when I force control. But in letting go, in doing the work but not forcing it. In feeling not numbing. In trusting that God has my back - which is still so difficult - life becomes easier.
Control steps back to where it should be and I’m able to see what I can control and what I can’t. And that, eases stress and gives peace.
There will still be hard days but things get better when you realign your life and know where your worth comes from.
let’s call out: FANTASY
I have this problem - and maybe you can relate to it - I often dream and wish about a life that isn’t mine. I fantasize about relationships, jobs, happiness, or just about who I want to be.
Fantasy has led me down dark paths. It led me into abusive relationships because I couldn’t see the guy for who he actually was. I clung to the fantasy he projected, wishing it was real. At times, I still do.
It has led me into depression and anxiety. I don’t like my life as it is. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would be further in my career. I have an image of what I want my life to look like and the more I’m faced with reality, I have to admit that those things aren’t going to happen - at least not exactly as I’ve imagined them.
Fantasy has killed many of my relationships, my happiness, my loves and I don’t know how to escape it.
This isn’t a post where I tell you how to overcome a problem. This is a post where I’m admitting I have a one and I’m stuck.
Fantasy is comfortable for me. I’m a storyteller. I write fantasy fiction for a living. I’m really good at telling myself a story about me or another person and believing it. I don’t like reality. Reality is harsh. It’s brutal. It shows all the nastiness of people in a blinding fluorescent light. I’d rather let life stay in soft candle light.
But that’s not how life works. And knowing that hurts. It’s like a gut punch. A knife twisting in my chest.
I don’t know how to accept life for the way it is. I barely know to grieve.
If letting go of the fantasy of life or even the fantasy of people is anything like grief, the only way to accept life and people for who they are is to turn on that light. Accept things for the way they are, grieve what needs to be, and move on.
But, dammit, that’s so hard to do.
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired.
I’m so tired of creating a world that doesn’t exist. Of trying to fit in to everyone else’s worlds that don’t exist either. Of hoping for a life that won’t even come and getting let down. Of expecting too much from myself and being disappointed when I don’t meet my own unrealistic expectations. Of expecting so much of people - hoping they’ll reach their potential - and seeing they can’t. They’re not there yet. So, I watch them hurt themselves and others.
I’m tired.
Life is hard enough. I don’t want to continue in this way.
So, I’m done.
let’s call out: FEAR
It has taken me weeks to figure out how to say what needs to be said, that’s because there is so much to this one.
Fear permeates everything in life. Sometimes fear is good - it propels us forward so we can accomplish tasks we never thought we would. Moving us in directions of growth. Sometimes it does the exact opposite.
We can see this in the US, especially over these last few weeks, as fear and anxiety melted together with hate and righteousness. That can be a deadly combination and it almost was.
I’ve seen fear play out in my own life within relationships. Fear keeps people from acknowledging problems in order to fix them, it keeps them from taking a leap of faith when they wanted to be more open with friends and loved ones. I’ve even seen it propel people to reach a goal they never thought they could before - to start a business, start a relationship, have children, go to therapy.
Fear can be good and it can be bad. The one I want to focus on is the fear that keeps us from moving in the direction of growth. It’s the fear that kicks our instincts in - flee, fight, fawn, or freeze.
The first step in conquering this fear - and you can conquer it - is to recognize it when it exists. Fear will always exist but you can go to war against it. You can say no more will I let it control me or dictate my life. When you do that, you will see fear clearly for what it is.
Fear is a small man who blows himself up like a balloon and stomps around. He throws things, whispers threats in your ear, avoids your gaze, refuses to acknowledge truth but instead points out all the things that could go wrong. And you believe him. I’ve believed him. But he has no power over you if you don’t want it.
As Nelson Mandela once said, “courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
This means, courage is when you recognize your fear and still walk toward it. You are able to recognize why you are scared. You process that in a healthy way and you move toward the thing that scares you.
This also doesn’t not mean you should return to an abusive relationship just because you are scared of it. There is a difference in recognizing your boundaries, knowing when a relationship (whether it’s a job or friendship or romantic relationship) is toxic, and saying I can’t go back there.
That’s not fear.
It is brave to process trauma and toxic relationships. Fear exists when you have to look inside and ask yourself why and how you got into that position and how you cannot end up there again.
That’s terrifying.
Trust me, I’m there right now. It’s so scary to see the messy and awful part of yourself and say this is me but I don’t want it to be me forever.
It is brave to work on yourself and your relationships. You are brave if you are taking on this task.
Fear can be quelled. It can be conquered. You don’t have to live in fear and let it control you if you don’t want it. Start here, start today and say no more.