Calling Out: Sex and Sexuality - Part 3
We are in our third part of the series. First I would like to acknowledge the fact that, yes, this is two weeks late. I would like to stay honest and open with you so, I’m going to admit that I have been massively depressed these last few weeks.
Depression is something I’ve struggled with most of my life and sometimes that does keep me from doing things that I love - like this blog - because, ya know, what’s the point? Well, the point is that even if no one else is reading this. Even if I’m talking to myself on a weekly(ish) basis, I’m seeking answers and truth. I want to get to the heart of my own heart problems and the hurts caused by the church. I’m excited to share this journey with whoever wants to come with me, but I don’t expect anyone to.
With that let me transition.
A few weeks back I had the pleasure of sitting down and talking with Lane Bachelder, a screenwriter from right here in LA.
Thank you for joining me today, Lane. So, let’s just jump in. Currently, I’m exploring sex and sexuality and how it interacts with daily life. To give a starting question, what does sex and/ sexuality mean to you or how were you introduced to it? Was it through school, your parents, or religion?
I guess I never really received a particular introduction. It was something that I had to figure out on my own. My parents never talked to me about sex, I never got the talk. I didn’t really have a sex ed type of class until the sixth grade, but even then it was a very heteronormative discussion. So I always thought that was the only way. I guess, I kind of realized that when I was gay I didn’t have a concept of what gay was. Growing up I only knew it as guys who acted feminine. So, I mostly had to figure that stuff out on my own.
How did you figure it out? Was it talking to other people, the media or internet, or a little bit of all of it?
Because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it, most of it came through TV shows and movies, and also the Internet.
So, I’m trying to find a way to phrase this properly, was what you found more educational or was it just like, oh, this is just another way for sex and sexuality. It doesn’t have to be heteronormative like what you were seeing before.
Yeah, it more helped me come to terms with my own identity in my sexuality. I think exploring the more graphic kind of sexual stuff I realized what I was into and how to express myself in that way.
And I know you grew up in a small town, it was in Iowa, right? So coming out of that small Iowa town to come to California, how has that transition been?
Well, I started exploring my sexuality during undergrad when I was still in Iowa. There wasn’t really much transition when I moved out here. I kind of already knew who I was.
Ok, yeah. Do you think where you grew up affected you at all because of culture or if there was something else at play. Whether it was religion or something like we don’t do this because we just don’t.
I think it’s like a lot of small towns. I didn’t have any avenues to explore it. You know, it’s just something that doesn’t really exist. Like I could go to my classmates but I felt this fear in the back of my mind that things could go bad if I did come out. So it took a lot for me to come to terms with that. My town just didn’t have the support system for me. I guess if you want to talk religion, um, I didn’t grow up super religious. We did go to church. I went to Sunday school and I’m a confirmed Methodist. I think as I started to accept my sexuality, I began to reject religion more. Just because, you know usually religion and gays don’t mix. It’s kind of a thing. You can definitely be gay and still be religious but for me, I just felt like it wasn’t something I needed in my life.
Yeah, it sounds like it didn’t come from your town or from the church, it was just as you grew into yourself you realized that wasn’t what you wanted.
Right.
I think it’s good to figure out as you grow beyond your town and look back to see, that they just didn’t have those support systems in place for you. When you talk about fear, it seems there’s not just an inward fear but also this outward fear. Like this societal pressure to live up to a standard, or is that something else?
I think it’s a subtle pressure because straight people don’t have to come out as straight. It’s like we’re conditioned with all these stories of how someone came out and got kicked out. You hear them and of course you’re going to think a certain way about your sexuality and whether you should tell people or not. So yeah, sometimes it feels best to suppress it, even though it’ s better now as we get more into the 21st century. It’s not as big an issue these days. I think about small towns in particular it’s harder because if you’re from a city there’s so many avenues. You have probably ten other kids in your grade who are also LGBTQ+.
Do you think it’s more that they tell those stories to create fear on purpose? Like I know there are kids who did legitimately get kicked out of their house or even shunned, but we also hear stories where people were welcomed by their family.
I think it’s more of a societal thing. We like to focus on the bad rather than the good. You know, just like those stories we could tell of ten other good ones. But it’s those stories that stick around more than the good ones.
Yeah and fear snowballs. You hear about one bad thing or anything that’s going to happen and it builds into anxiety. Which unfortunately can be bigger than a good story that creates peace and reassurance. Transitioning a bit, how do you feel about representation in films and TV?
I like representation, I think it’s always good to see yourself on screen. I also personally feel like you can identify with any character, whether they look like you or not. I can see myself in all sorts of characters regardless of their gender, sex, race, whatever. I find value in those sort of films because no matter what the characters are going through there’s usually something I can identify with. If I can’t identify with a character, I typically don’t enjoy the film.
“I never received a particular introduction...My sexuality was something I had to figure out on my own.”
How do you feel about the transition happening in film with more diverse casting, diverse stories, and the shift from male to female gaze?
Of course it’s always great to have more diverse voices, it allows your audience to have a wider perspective. It’s great to see that happening in terms of the male and female gaze. It’s good to see women in particular with the male gaze not being represented in such an overtly sexual manner or in scenes where they’re seen as objects.
Yeah, and women are kind of subverting the gaze. Like they’re showing men how a man would be shown through a woman’s eyes.
There’s this really good movie called Portrait of a Lady on Fire. It’s about a woman looking at another woman. They have elements like structuring the woman’s hair around male gaze with the female gazing at her.
Isn’t that like your favorite movie?
Not my favorite but I really enjoyed it.
Gotcha. So I know you also have a little different take on monogamy, considering you reject it and have embraced polyamory. Could you talk a little about that?
Yeah. This is something that’s still very new to me. It’s something that I realized like a year and a half ago or two years maybe. It came about when I learned my parents were separating. I think I looked at that and was like, I’m not sure that I want that, it doesn’t seem like it’s something that works. So I began to explore different options and found the polyamory community. The things that people talk about while being in a polyamorous relationship just make more sense to me. Like you are still in a committed relationship with someone, but you can also continue to explore yourself with other people. To me that’s a lot more freeing and open. It makes more sense in my mind that you can be with someone, but also be able to be with other people as well. I think it also takes away a lot of pressure, like having an affair.
Can you still cheat while in a polyamorous relationship?
Yeah. I talked to someone who was in an open relationship and they broke up because the person cheated on them. They said that their partner just didn’t tell them about the other person they were with. So, yeah, it’s about open communication.
I think I’ve heard you describe it before, and correct me if I’m wrong, it’s like you have one main partner but then you have other ones for things like cuddling or another form of intimacy. And what you have to do is tell your main partner, I’m seeing this person for this activity. Which I know you have started dating someone, and we don’t have to talk about him if you’re not comfortable with that.
It’s ok. I do know he is seeing someone else for other reasons and I’m fine with that.
Did you tell you what those reasons were?
Yeah. So here’s the thing, the kinky community tends to be polyamorous in general. I think with me being kinky it kind of led me down this road to polyamory. Like you can be in a relationship with someone, but you can also play with other guys. It’s something that’s kind of natural within the community. So, yeah, my boyfriend has a sir that he goes to see and I’m ok with it.
Ok, I didn’t know if he was real vague about it like I am seeing someone but doesn’t tell you anything else. But it sounds like you do know what happens and may know who that person is?
Right.
So the communication sounds open and honest. It’s not secretive or anything like that. At least that’s what I’m getting from you.
Yeah.
“I think it’s more of a societal thing. We like to focus on the bad rather than the good.”
So, the concept of polyamory has been around for a long time. I think society tends to feed us an idea that you have to find your one and that’s it. Rom coms are kind of built off of that idea. It’s love at first sight type of stuff.
Yeah, which is another reason why rom coms don’t appeal to me. I reject the notion that there’s only one person out there and you must find happiness with that one person.
I get that. I don’t think there’s just one person out there for everyone. I think we have different people for different stages in our lives. I am monogamist so I think if you find someone when you’re 20 you should make an effort to grow with each other, but divorce happens. What do you say to the person who’s lost their spouse or is recently broken up?
Yeah, my mom’s dating another guy but like my dad, is still hung up on my mom. It’s like he’s having a hard time moving on. It’s different for everyone.
It really is.
But I really don’t want one and done. That’s so terrifying to me.
Are you kidding? I only want one. It’d be too much work to have to juggle more than one. So, when I start thinking about the kinky community, I remember you were the one who first started talking to me about it. So, I think you can speak more into than I can.
That’s another weird thing, how do we develop our fetishes and kinks? It’s like I don’t know how I developed mine. For me, it’s just always been there ever since I started thinking about sex. Like, I would just think about guys being tied up.
Was it like fantasies you had or things you watched?
Maybe. Definitely there were movies and TV shows that had an impression on me but I feel like I was at a young age.
Yeah, I feel like that would be an interesting study to see why and what ones impact your life. I know I’m real vanilla but I actually would like to explore those different types of things. There is a little bit of a fear just being a Christian, raised in a conservative home in a small town. There’s almost an unspoken mindset that you have to have vanilla sex and you can’t do anything else. It’s like you don’t talk about it, that’s not something you should even want to try but they still say things like “spice up the bedroom”.
When I was first having kinky experiences, I was very discreet about it. I didn’t want anyone to know. As I’m getting older and more comfortable with it, I’ve been more open about it all. If it was five, six years ago, I would’ve never told you that I was having it. And even with the kinky stuff, TV usually portrays it very negatively. Really, with all this you just start off slow.
I think as I’m moving forward in my life I’m starting to redefine and realize exactly how I would like to sex again. What may be included will probably change but maybe I can find a guy who would like to explore these things with me. And I know right now the BDSM community is leading a lot of great discussions about consent. I mean, all of it is about consent and making sure everything is ok with your partner every step of the way.
Bondage can be dangerous so, if that’s something you’re exploring you have to always keep that in the back of your mind. And consent is a natural part of it.
I think it often goes back to the communication piece you were talking about earlier. And I know I was reading something about a dom and a sub where the dom was making sure the sub was ok not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. In this, the dom realized the sub was not ok physically even though they were saying yes mentally and emotionally. It’s this notion that consent is about all three, physical, mental, and emotional. You can be in different places with each of those things even if you verbally say yes.
“I reject the notion that there’s only one person out there and you must find happiness with that one person.”
I think that is some of the first things I had ever heard about consent, just in general. It’s definitely something that you have to be mindful of, like you don’t have to be kinky for all these things to come into play. Even looking back on my own experiences, there’s been some that I wasn’t enjoying.
Which is why they talk about enthusiastic consent now and there are great discussions happening in multiple areas. Even with small children.
Yeah, I don’t think we should be afraid to educate our children on sex. It’s about working with them in an age appropriate context.
Which I totally agree with.
I would like to thank Lane for taking the time to sit down with me.
Next week, I think I’m gonna do something a little different and have a few book reviews for you. If you’re not a reader, what’s wrong with you? I’m kidding, but seriously, these are some fantastic books that you should definitely pick up and read pronto.