let’s call out: ACCEPTANCE

But without my trauma I’ll no longer be funny. But the things of my past are what make up me. Who will I be without them? I can’t let them go.

Those are the thoughts that immediately come to mind when I think about letting go of my past, forgiving myself and the others involved, and moving forward. So much of who I am or of who others are, is made up of the shit we’ve done wrong. Of the fantasies we’ve created, our low self worth, our mistakes, and repeated cycles of self sabotage and trauma. There’s so much that we don’t know what it’s like to live without it.

And let’s be honest, we don’t really want to live without it.

I’m so used to men treating me like crap, so used to living a life of anxiety and depression, so used to self sabotage, so used to the gunk that fills my head and heart - it’s comfortable. I know how to live in it. It’s not the best life, I know this, but I know how to survive it. I know how to handle it.

There are so many people I know who also live this way. They know the life they live is pretty shitty but it’s comfortable because they’re used to it. They know how to deal with it. Better to live with the demon you know than the one you don’t, right?

But here’s the thing, we weren’t designed to live with demons.

Last week I talked about letting go and the process of letting go is a daily task. It’s getting up every day and forgiving yourself of your past. It’s handing over your hurts and sins to a God who loves you more than you could ever love yourself. It’s moving forward. But, it’s fucking terrifying.

Seriously think about it, what happens when you say, “ok I’m done with all this. I don’t want to live this way, think about this person, or have this past anymore. God, take it from me.” And you really mean it. And He actually takes it from you. And it’s gone. Just like that.

For me, I freaked out. I wanted it back. I defined my life by those men, those events, that trauma. I felt empty.

Often letting go feels like that but, acceptance is a filling up. It’s recognizing there’s more to you than what your past says of you. If and when you listen to God, He tells you what you’re worth. He starts to call you different names and gives you a different purpose. You no longer have those holes. That emptiness is gone.

Acceptance, like letting go, is a daily task where you look at yourself and see what happened to you for all that it was - good and bad. Removing any filters, veils, facades that may have been on it. In doing so, you learn to love yourself as you are - good and bad.

And in that, there’s beauty.

let’s call out: LETTING GO

I’m gonna be real with you. This one is difficult for me. It’s so hard for me to do.

To me, letting go often feels like giving up on a person. It feels like I failed. So, I hang on. I try to keep the relationship going in my mind for as long as I can even if everything ended in disaster. All because, I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to lose that person and the potential that I see in them.

I see the best in everyone and often it makes me come across as naive. I’m not. I know that shitty person is shitty. But I also can see their potential if they just stop acting on behaviors and temptations that will hurt them. I can see how good of a person and a life they can have. That’s why I hang on in relationships too long and why I hang on too long in my head.

But in doing that, I’ve come to hurt myself. I’m damaging my own self worth and self respect. That shitty person will stay shitty and I can’t make them change. Truth is, no one can except their own will. And that’s a hard one to accept.

It’s hard to see people as they are - good and bad. It’s hard to see memories as they are - good and bad - but when you do, you start to free yourself. At least I have. I’m no longer holding onto the fantasies of people. I’m no longer holding onto the fantasies I’ve created.

Real life sucks. A lot. But, there is hope and there is life. Letting go often means seeing memories and people for as they are and not judging, not criticizing, but understanding. Then saying, thank you. I forgive you. I forgive myself. And releasing that pain.

If you’ve come across this post and we knew each other. If we had a complicated past or relationship and it ended in a way that was messy and difficult. (I know that’s a little vague but, you’ll get it if it’s you.) This next part is for you specifically.

I’m sorry for my part in hurting you. I hope one day you can forgive me. I cherish every memory, good and bad. I’ve learned a lot from you in good and bad ways. I pray one day you get the healing and the help you need to be complete and fully loved in ways I will never know or experience. And I’m not gonna ask to be apart of your life, that’s unfair to you and to me. If our paths cross again, I hope we can settle differences and meet one another in peace, understanding, and love. You are forgiven and loved by a God who does not see you in shame but accepts you as you are. Even if you can’t feel that yet, He does. He does not run from you. He does not turn away. He will always accept you even if I struggle to do so. Take care, friend.

let’s call out: HEALING

It’s all over social media - take time for self-care and bubble baths. Balance your life through margaritas and the keto diet. Make sure you grab the bath bomb with a ring inside and definitely make sure those nachos have extra cheese.

But let’s get serious for a sec. Healing is hard. It fucking sucks some days.

We often look to nature when we talk about growth and healing. I mean why not? Everyone has seen a plant right? Or butterflies?

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly it has to first break down its entire body so that it can be built right back up. A seed gets buried in the dirt and breaks out of its shell to then push through the dirt into the sun. All of this is part of growth. It’s also part of healing.

There will be days when that gooey mess that used to be a caterpillar can’t continue on its path to grow. It’s too tired. So, it’ll just sit in its goo and rest. Now, I don’t actually know if that’s what caterpillars do, don’t quote me. But it’s what we do as humans.

When there’s growth of any sort, it requires healing. It requires looking at what is broken or hurt and saying this is what hurt me or this is how I hurt others. Taking responsibility for your own actions - which even that’s painful - then making conscious choices to change. To grow.

Each day becomes a battle to heal those hurts. To grow and do better than you did the day before. To seek therapy or spiritual direction or read book that challenges your thought processes or to talk to friends who hold you accountable and will take no shit from you.

Healing and growth requires change. And sometimes, that change does mean getting up early to do yoga and drink smoothies. And sometimes it means having a lazy day, eating only nachos.

It’s about listening to your gooey body. Does it need to stretch? Run? Consume two pounds of cheese?

Healing takes time and that’s ok. Learn to not be so hard on yourself - I’m learning this too. After all, we’re just gooey caterpillars under weighted blankets actively waiting to emerge as butterflies.

And my aren’t you beautiful.