let’s call out: ACCEPTANCE

But without my trauma I’ll no longer be funny. But the things of my past are what make up me. Who will I be without them? I can’t let them go.

Those are the thoughts that immediately come to mind when I think about letting go of my past, forgiving myself and the others involved, and moving forward. So much of who I am or of who others are, is made up of the shit we’ve done wrong. Of the fantasies we’ve created, our low self worth, our mistakes, and repeated cycles of self sabotage and trauma. There’s so much that we don’t know what it’s like to live without it.

And let’s be honest, we don’t really want to live without it.

I’m so used to men treating me like crap, so used to living a life of anxiety and depression, so used to self sabotage, so used to the gunk that fills my head and heart - it’s comfortable. I know how to live in it. It’s not the best life, I know this, but I know how to survive it. I know how to handle it.

There are so many people I know who also live this way. They know the life they live is pretty shitty but it’s comfortable because they’re used to it. They know how to deal with it. Better to live with the demon you know than the one you don’t, right?

But here’s the thing, we weren’t designed to live with demons.

Last week I talked about letting go and the process of letting go is a daily task. It’s getting up every day and forgiving yourself of your past. It’s handing over your hurts and sins to a God who loves you more than you could ever love yourself. It’s moving forward. But, it’s fucking terrifying.

Seriously think about it, what happens when you say, “ok I’m done with all this. I don’t want to live this way, think about this person, or have this past anymore. God, take it from me.” And you really mean it. And He actually takes it from you. And it’s gone. Just like that.

For me, I freaked out. I wanted it back. I defined my life by those men, those events, that trauma. I felt empty.

Often letting go feels like that but, acceptance is a filling up. It’s recognizing there’s more to you than what your past says of you. If and when you listen to God, He tells you what you’re worth. He starts to call you different names and gives you a different purpose. You no longer have those holes. That emptiness is gone.

Acceptance, like letting go, is a daily task where you look at yourself and see what happened to you for all that it was - good and bad. Removing any filters, veils, facades that may have been on it. In doing so, you learn to love yourself as you are - good and bad.

And in that, there’s beauty.