let’s call out: FEAR
It has taken me weeks to figure out how to say what needs to be said, that’s because there is so much to this one.
Fear permeates everything in life. Sometimes fear is good - it propels us forward so we can accomplish tasks we never thought we would. Moving us in directions of growth. Sometimes it does the exact opposite.
We can see this in the US, especially over these last few weeks, as fear and anxiety melted together with hate and righteousness. That can be a deadly combination and it almost was.
I’ve seen fear play out in my own life within relationships. Fear keeps people from acknowledging problems in order to fix them, it keeps them from taking a leap of faith when they wanted to be more open with friends and loved ones. I’ve even seen it propel people to reach a goal they never thought they could before - to start a business, start a relationship, have children, go to therapy.
Fear can be good and it can be bad. The one I want to focus on is the fear that keeps us from moving in the direction of growth. It’s the fear that kicks our instincts in - flee, fight, fawn, or freeze.
The first step in conquering this fear - and you can conquer it - is to recognize it when it exists. Fear will always exist but you can go to war against it. You can say no more will I let it control me or dictate my life. When you do that, you will see fear clearly for what it is.
Fear is a small man who blows himself up like a balloon and stomps around. He throws things, whispers threats in your ear, avoids your gaze, refuses to acknowledge truth but instead points out all the things that could go wrong. And you believe him. I’ve believed him. But he has no power over you if you don’t want it.
As Nelson Mandela once said, “courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
This means, courage is when you recognize your fear and still walk toward it. You are able to recognize why you are scared. You process that in a healthy way and you move toward the thing that scares you.
This also doesn’t not mean you should return to an abusive relationship just because you are scared of it. There is a difference in recognizing your boundaries, knowing when a relationship (whether it’s a job or friendship or romantic relationship) is toxic, and saying I can’t go back there.
That’s not fear.
It is brave to process trauma and toxic relationships. Fear exists when you have to look inside and ask yourself why and how you got into that position and how you cannot end up there again.
That’s terrifying.
Trust me, I’m there right now. It’s so scary to see the messy and awful part of yourself and say this is me but I don’t want it to be me forever.
It is brave to work on yourself and your relationships. You are brave if you are taking on this task.
Fear can be quelled. It can be conquered. You don’t have to live in fear and let it control you if you don’t want it. Start here, start today and say no more.