Hearing From New Voices

WE ARE: the ecclesia. WE ARE: the called out ones. WE ARE: men and women from all different races, genders, and backgrounds asking the hard questions.

Starting next week we will bring new voices into this blog. Men and women from different religions, cultural backgrounds, and places around the world. We will be sitting down to talk about purity and purity culture. Their views, how they were raised, and what they think about it now.

This will be an interview in blog format. So, yeah, you will have to read what was said. Sorry. Most of these people have never met one another. Some are friends but others are not.

The goal here is to take a step back and listen to one another. To share ideas, beliefs, and thoughts about what we know and what we think about purity and purity culture as we try to make sense of it in our world.

This won’t be just one blog but a series of them. So, tune in and get ready for a ride.

let’s call out: PURITY

There was a game my friends and I played once, you can actually find it online, it’s a purity test. Through it you tick off all the things you have done and at the end it tells you how pure you are out of 100. Some of my friends had high numbers like 98 and others were lower in the 40s. None of us really knew what to do with these scores except laugh about it. Those who had lower numbers seemed a little off - like they were unclean and not as “good” as the rest of the group. I managed to lower my score by 20 points over the next two months and was kinda proud about that - for a time.

Here’s the thing, purity isn’t based on a score. It’s not about what you didn’t do or the so-called terrible things you did do. Often we think of purity going hand in hand with statements like:

Say no to sex because you’ll get STI’s and die. Say no to drugs and alcohol because you will get addicted. Say no theft because it’s wrong. Say no to…..you fill in the blank.

When we start these thoughts with “no” statements we immediately put ourselves into a poverty mindset. We were never made to be in poverty. I’m not talking about financial poverty - I’m talking about emotional, mental, spiritual, physical poverty. God did not create us for poverty. He created us for life in abundance.

So, let’s flip the script.

Purity is about what you say “yes” to.

If you say yes to abstinence - that is saying yes to your values, your body, your partner, whatever reasons you have to be abstinent. If you say yes to sex before marriage - that is saying yes to your values, your body, your partner, and the other reasons you may have. Both viewpoints have varying different reasons as to why to engage in them and those reasons are your own.

Yes, I have opinions on this topic and I’m sure you’ll hear my take on it later on as I had to question why I was abstinent and then why I stopped. Some of those reasons start here - with a new purity mindset.

I am no longer under poverty where everything I do will cause me to end in the gutter but instead I question where my beliefs and morals came from and what is actually good for me. In that, how can I move forward in freedom and new life.

It’s about taking my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health into consideration before acting on impulse. To say, I value myself so, is this good for me right now or not? In asking those hard questions, and not holding back, I can start to see where I stand and why. It’s not easy and often I fall back into old ways but as I shift my mentality towards real purity, it gets easier.

I hope you too can start to take on this new mindset and really question your actions, not seeing them as detrimental - or if they are, find out why and how to reverse it - and start stepping into a life of freedom.

You were created to be pure and whole. You were not created to live in darkness, in the gutters of life, or in poverty.

let’s call out: CONTROL

I’m gonna say it. Everyone has a control issue.

It may be under the guise of people pleasing, finances, communication differences, relationships with friends/family/partners, spiritual differences and hierarchies in and out of the church, or leadership roles you may find yourself in.

Control is everywhere and it’s not always a bad thing. It’s good to have control of our lives. To know where our money is going by creating a budget. To be aware of our bodies with what we eat and how much, how we exercise and what activities we partake in whether it be alcohol, parties, caffeine, sex, binge watching Netflix - and in that knowing how much and how often we do it.

Control can be good. We are instructed by doctors, parents, even God himself to take control of our bodies, minds, tongues, and lives.

But everyone knows, or can name someone, who abuses control. Someone who manipulates to control how others see them. Who drinks too much to control the pain they feel on a daily basis. Who dates the wrong men, doing anything the man wants to control their need for self worth. Who’s a workaholic to control their image of self worth and their finances.

But this isn’t actually control. It’s a loss of it.

It’s forgetting who you are as you dive into work, food, exercise, numbing substances, other people attempting to regain control of how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, and how others perceive you.

Here’s the thing, if you didn’t already know it, your worth is not tied to who you know or what you can do for yourself or others. That’s not how that works.

You are worthy because you exist. Because there is a God who created you and who loves you no matter what you’ve done or what you could do.

And I get it. I really do.

I love control.

I love thinking I have my whole life ticking like clock. Each nut and bolt placed perfectly as I want them, but they’re not. My life is like legos scattered on the floor with the directions in a language can’t read - at best. That doesn’t mean I’m not valuable or worthy. That doesn’t mean my life won’t work out the way it should.

Even that’s a discussion on its own - there are many times when we think something should happen a certain way and when it doesn’t, we get mad. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It just didn’t happen exactly how we thought it would. And that’s ok.

In this crazy life I have tried doing things on my own, based on my own strength. Applying for jobs - trying to make the right connections - forcing that job to happen. I’ve walked into relationships - romantic and friendship - clinging to them, hoping they would never leave me and losing my identity in those relationships. I have let the church indoctrinate me, tell me what to believe without actually questioning or taking a step back.

I lose myself when I force control. But in letting go, in doing the work but not forcing it. In feeling not numbing. In trusting that God has my back - which is still so difficult - life becomes easier.

Control steps back to where it should be and I’m able to see what I can control and what I can’t. And that, eases stress and gives peace.

There will still be hard days but things get better when you realign your life and know where your worth comes from.

let’s call out: FANTASY

I have this problem - and maybe you can relate to it - I often dream and wish about a life that isn’t mine. I fantasize about relationships, jobs, happiness, or just about who I want to be.

Fantasy has led me down dark paths. It led me into abusive relationships because I couldn’t see the guy for who he actually was. I clung to the fantasy he projected, wishing it was real. At times, I still do.

It has led me into depression and anxiety. I don’t like my life as it is. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would be further in my career. I have an image of what I want my life to look like and the more I’m faced with reality, I have to admit that those things aren’t going to happen - at least not exactly as I’ve imagined them.

Fantasy has killed many of my relationships, my happiness, my loves and I don’t know how to escape it.

This isn’t a post where I tell you how to overcome a problem. This is a post where I’m admitting I have a one and I’m stuck.

Fantasy is comfortable for me. I’m a storyteller. I write fantasy fiction for a living. I’m really good at telling myself a story about me or another person and believing it. I don’t like reality. Reality is harsh. It’s brutal. It shows all the nastiness of people in a blinding fluorescent light. I’d rather let life stay in soft candle light.

But that’s not how life works. And knowing that hurts. It’s like a gut punch. A knife twisting in my chest.

I don’t know how to accept life for the way it is. I barely know to grieve.

If letting go of the fantasy of life or even the fantasy of people is anything like grief, the only way to accept life and people for who they are is to turn on that light. Accept things for the way they are, grieve what needs to be, and move on.

But, dammit, that’s so hard to do.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired.

I’m so tired of creating a world that doesn’t exist. Of trying to fit in to everyone else’s worlds that don’t exist either. Of hoping for a life that won’t even come and getting let down. Of expecting too much from myself and being disappointed when I don’t meet my own unrealistic expectations. Of expecting so much of people - hoping they’ll reach their potential - and seeing they can’t. They’re not there yet. So, I watch them hurt themselves and others.

I’m tired.

Life is hard enough. I don’t want to continue in this way.

So, I’m done.

let’s call out: GRIEF

Here’s what most people don’t know about me and what I don’t like admitting, I’ve been grieving for almost a year and a half. The reasons why don’t matter but the fact is, it’s happening. I can’t snap my fingers to get out of it or wish it away, no matter how badly I want to. And even though I’ve been talking about acceptance and letting go, which is the last stages of grief, it’s not over yet.

Last week I wrote about acceptance. Two days later I was sobbing on my couch trying to bargain with myself and figure out where I went wrong.

Everyone knows about grief. It’s shown in movies and books and tv shows. You can google the steps, go to therapy, hear all the cliche lines about it not being a straightforward process. But until you experience it, grief won’t make sense. At least it didn’t to me.

One of the major things I’ve discovered through all this is that emotions are good - even the ones we don’t like. God made us to have emotions, He gave us anger and sadness and bitterness and hurt and happiness and joy. He did that not to hurt us or to put us in torment on earth. He did it so we can feel the depth of our souls and in that connect to Him.

I have never been more angry than what I have been over this past year and if you know me, you know I’m not an angry person. Through that anger I’ve learned that God wants me to yell at him. He wants me to direct my anger at Him - to lay my pain down at His feet and say, “I can’t do this anymore.”

The god of christian church that I grew up knowing was a god who would see that pain and wipe it away. He would see that anger and sadness and hurt and would say, “it’s mine you don’t have to deal with it anymore.” It would be gone and I would be happy as if nothing had ever happened. I was mad that God wasn’t doing that for me.

But the God that I have come to know through all of this says, “thank you for sharing this pain with me. You don’t have to carry this weight anymore, I’ve got it.” But, He doesn’t magically take it away. He lets me feel it because in feeling it there are lessons about love, friendship, trust, and my weaknesses that He’s teaching me and strengthening me in.

God has given us these painful emotions - emotions we often want to shove away or numb to not feel using various tactics (trust me I’ve done both) - so that we can learn how to grow. In emotion there is truth and there is life.

Now, please hear me as I say this, emotion isn’t all we should dictate life by. I’m one who loves facts and knowledge. I often put them over everything else but it’s in emotion where people’s hearts exist. You can have all the facts you want but, what is your heart saying?

Is it grieving? Let it cry. Let it shout. Is it happy? Let it dance. Let it laugh. Is it lonely? Let it seek friends. Let it reach out for others.

We were built to acknowledge all parts of ourselves - the head, the heart, and the soul - if one of those things is lacking, wrong decisions will be made. But that’s ok if you take accountability and learn from them, it’s part of growing.

So, sticking with cliches - the only way through it is to feel it. All of this is a process, it’s messy and often doesn’t make sense. It’s ok if one day you get knocked back by a wave - you did not erase your progress. This is grief and you are brave, courageous, and strong for doing the work of healing. The journey is long and hard but it will be the best work of your life.

let’s call out: ACCEPTANCE

But without my trauma I’ll no longer be funny. But the things of my past are what make up me. Who will I be without them? I can’t let them go.

Those are the thoughts that immediately come to mind when I think about letting go of my past, forgiving myself and the others involved, and moving forward. So much of who I am or of who others are, is made up of the shit we’ve done wrong. Of the fantasies we’ve created, our low self worth, our mistakes, and repeated cycles of self sabotage and trauma. There’s so much that we don’t know what it’s like to live without it.

And let’s be honest, we don’t really want to live without it.

I’m so used to men treating me like crap, so used to living a life of anxiety and depression, so used to self sabotage, so used to the gunk that fills my head and heart - it’s comfortable. I know how to live in it. It’s not the best life, I know this, but I know how to survive it. I know how to handle it.

There are so many people I know who also live this way. They know the life they live is pretty shitty but it’s comfortable because they’re used to it. They know how to deal with it. Better to live with the demon you know than the one you don’t, right?

But here’s the thing, we weren’t designed to live with demons.

Last week I talked about letting go and the process of letting go is a daily task. It’s getting up every day and forgiving yourself of your past. It’s handing over your hurts and sins to a God who loves you more than you could ever love yourself. It’s moving forward. But, it’s fucking terrifying.

Seriously think about it, what happens when you say, “ok I’m done with all this. I don’t want to live this way, think about this person, or have this past anymore. God, take it from me.” And you really mean it. And He actually takes it from you. And it’s gone. Just like that.

For me, I freaked out. I wanted it back. I defined my life by those men, those events, that trauma. I felt empty.

Often letting go feels like that but, acceptance is a filling up. It’s recognizing there’s more to you than what your past says of you. If and when you listen to God, He tells you what you’re worth. He starts to call you different names and gives you a different purpose. You no longer have those holes. That emptiness is gone.

Acceptance, like letting go, is a daily task where you look at yourself and see what happened to you for all that it was - good and bad. Removing any filters, veils, facades that may have been on it. In doing so, you learn to love yourself as you are - good and bad.

And in that, there’s beauty.

let’s call out: LETTING GO

I’m gonna be real with you. This one is difficult for me. It’s so hard for me to do.

To me, letting go often feels like giving up on a person. It feels like I failed. So, I hang on. I try to keep the relationship going in my mind for as long as I can even if everything ended in disaster. All because, I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to lose that person and the potential that I see in them.

I see the best in everyone and often it makes me come across as naive. I’m not. I know that shitty person is shitty. But I also can see their potential if they just stop acting on behaviors and temptations that will hurt them. I can see how good of a person and a life they can have. That’s why I hang on in relationships too long and why I hang on too long in my head.

But in doing that, I’ve come to hurt myself. I’m damaging my own self worth and self respect. That shitty person will stay shitty and I can’t make them change. Truth is, no one can except their own will. And that’s a hard one to accept.

It’s hard to see people as they are - good and bad. It’s hard to see memories as they are - good and bad - but when you do, you start to free yourself. At least I have. I’m no longer holding onto the fantasies of people. I’m no longer holding onto the fantasies I’ve created.

Real life sucks. A lot. But, there is hope and there is life. Letting go often means seeing memories and people for as they are and not judging, not criticizing, but understanding. Then saying, thank you. I forgive you. I forgive myself. And releasing that pain.

If you’ve come across this post and we knew each other. If we had a complicated past or relationship and it ended in a way that was messy and difficult. (I know that’s a little vague but, you’ll get it if it’s you.) This next part is for you specifically.

I’m sorry for my part in hurting you. I hope one day you can forgive me. I cherish every memory, good and bad. I’ve learned a lot from you in good and bad ways. I pray one day you get the healing and the help you need to be complete and fully loved in ways I will never know or experience. And I’m not gonna ask to be apart of your life, that’s unfair to you and to me. If our paths cross again, I hope we can settle differences and meet one another in peace, understanding, and love. You are forgiven and loved by a God who does not see you in shame but accepts you as you are. Even if you can’t feel that yet, He does. He does not run from you. He does not turn away. He will always accept you even if I struggle to do so. Take care, friend.

let’s call out: FEAR

It has taken me weeks to figure out how to say what needs to be said, that’s because there is so much to this one.

Fear permeates everything in life. Sometimes fear is good - it propels us forward so we can accomplish tasks we never thought we would. Moving us in directions of growth. Sometimes it does the exact opposite.

We can see this in the US, especially over these last few weeks, as fear and anxiety melted together with hate and righteousness. That can be a deadly combination and it almost was.

I’ve seen fear play out in my own life within relationships. Fear keeps people from acknowledging problems in order to fix them, it keeps them from taking a leap of faith when they wanted to be more open with friends and loved ones. I’ve even seen it propel people to reach a goal they never thought they could before - to start a business, start a relationship, have children, go to therapy.

Fear can be good and it can be bad. The one I want to focus on is the fear that keeps us from moving in the direction of growth. It’s the fear that kicks our instincts in - flee, fight, fawn, or freeze.

The first step in conquering this fear - and you can conquer it - is to recognize it when it exists. Fear will always exist but you can go to war against it. You can say no more will I let it control me or dictate my life. When you do that, you will see fear clearly for what it is.

Fear is a small man who blows himself up like a balloon and stomps around. He throws things, whispers threats in your ear, avoids your gaze, refuses to acknowledge truth but instead points out all the things that could go wrong. And you believe him. I’ve believed him. But he has no power over you if you don’t want it.

As Nelson Mandela once said, “courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

This means, courage is when you recognize your fear and still walk toward it. You are able to recognize why you are scared. You process that in a healthy way and you move toward the thing that scares you.

This also doesn’t not mean you should return to an abusive relationship just because you are scared of it. There is a difference in recognizing your boundaries, knowing when a relationship (whether it’s a job or friendship or romantic relationship) is toxic, and saying I can’t go back there.

That’s not fear.

It is brave to process trauma and toxic relationships. Fear exists when you have to look inside and ask yourself why and how you got into that position and how you cannot end up there again.

That’s terrifying.

Trust me, I’m there right now. It’s so scary to see the messy and awful part of yourself and say this is me but I don’t want it to be me forever.

It is brave to work on yourself and your relationships. You are brave if you are taking on this task.

Fear can be quelled. It can be conquered. You don’t have to live in fear and let it control you if you don’t want it. Start here, start today and say no more.

let’s call out: HEALING

It’s all over social media - take time for self-care and bubble baths. Balance your life through margaritas and the keto diet. Make sure you grab the bath bomb with a ring inside and definitely make sure those nachos have extra cheese.

But let’s get serious for a sec. Healing is hard. It fucking sucks some days.

We often look to nature when we talk about growth and healing. I mean why not? Everyone has seen a plant right? Or butterflies?

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly it has to first break down its entire body so that it can be built right back up. A seed gets buried in the dirt and breaks out of its shell to then push through the dirt into the sun. All of this is part of growth. It’s also part of healing.

There will be days when that gooey mess that used to be a caterpillar can’t continue on its path to grow. It’s too tired. So, it’ll just sit in its goo and rest. Now, I don’t actually know if that’s what caterpillars do, don’t quote me. But it’s what we do as humans.

When there’s growth of any sort, it requires healing. It requires looking at what is broken or hurt and saying this is what hurt me or this is how I hurt others. Taking responsibility for your own actions - which even that’s painful - then making conscious choices to change. To grow.

Each day becomes a battle to heal those hurts. To grow and do better than you did the day before. To seek therapy or spiritual direction or read book that challenges your thought processes or to talk to friends who hold you accountable and will take no shit from you.

Healing and growth requires change. And sometimes, that change does mean getting up early to do yoga and drink smoothies. And sometimes it means having a lazy day, eating only nachos.

It’s about listening to your gooey body. Does it need to stretch? Run? Consume two pounds of cheese?

Healing takes time and that’s ok. Learn to not be so hard on yourself - I’m learning this too. After all, we’re just gooey caterpillars under weighted blankets actively waiting to emerge as butterflies.

And my aren’t you beautiful.

let’s call out: LOVE

We start where everything starts, with love.

In the beginning God created. To create means to love something so much - an activity, a hobby, a person - that you go out and do it. In the beginning God loved so much that he made things. And that’s where it all starts. It where it all ends too.

It’s not lost on me that I’m writing this post on December 24. Christmas Eve. Love started with a God who poured His heart into creation and saw the brokenness that lived within us so He sent His son.

As Christians, we know how this story unfolds. Jesus lives and dies to save the world - not just Christians, but the world - from our brokenness. It’s the ultimate act of love.

So many times we get caught up in our hurt, in our heads, in who did what to us and how they should pay the price that we forget what it’s all about. We’re all just broken, messed up, messy people wanting to be loved. We hurt each other because of the holes and aches in our hearts. We hurt each other because of generational traumas. We hurt each other on accident and on purpose. There’s a variety of reasons why.

It comes down to this - it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who did what or what was done if we don’t acknowledge first and foremost that we are loved and they are loved.

Don’t hear me wrong, I do not want to diminish or shove to the side whatever was done or whatever a person is going through. It is possible to hold love for yourself and for a person who has hurt you as well as hold the hurt and pain that you have. It’s a hard thing to do and even I bounce between hating someone and loving them.

But hate and love are not two ends of a spectrum. They sit side by side. Love and apathy are the ends of the spectrum. So, if we want to have any kind of conversation let’s start at the same focal point.

You are loved because of who you are. Not because of what you did or what you’ve done. Not because of your career, your money, your family status. Not because of your education or lack of. Not because of anything you could accomplish or will. You are loved because of who you are - broken bits and all.

And if you’re like me, that’s a hard one to grasp. Self-love, self-worth, and self-confidence are all tied into how you view yourself. But when you start to say, I’m loved because there’s a God that loves me even though I’m a shit show - big things start happening in your life.

And let me tell you, this is not an easy overnight transformation. I’m still struggling with this concept and I’ve been actively telling myself I’m loved for a few years now.

So, take your time.

Even if you don’t believe it yet, you are loved.

Start here.

welcome!

The word ecclesia means: the called out ones. The ones who are called out to be different, to rise above the rest of the world.

For Christians, this means to be different than the rest of the world - this can look different depending on your tradition, liturgy, and eschatology. For me, this means to take a look at my life in a holistic way - body, mind, soul while stepping into a relationship with God.

When this happens you will be different than the rest of the world because you will start seeing yourself the way God sees you - loved. You will also start to see others the way God sees them - loved. And through that love you will be able to better love yourself and love others.

That is the ecclesia.

This blog will be talking about various topics ranging from body, mind, and spirit. There will be a focus on mental and emotional health, trauma, abuse, sexual addiction, sex in general, relationships - family, friends, and romantic partners, spiritual growth and the church.

I know it’s quite a list. This is because I’m working through all of these topics. And from what I’ve found, health and healing start on the inside. Everything relates to one another eventually.

So, let’s get to it. I’m excited to explore this with you!